1) Drinking when you're not thirsty is one of the few things that separates man from beasts.
2) Just think, if you drink enough now to get a hangover, you'll have plenty of drinking time tomorrow on your day off!
3) It is morally reprehensible to be on a train for longer than an hour without drinking.
4) People with hobbies arn't drinking enough.
5) If you don’t drink, then all of your stories are frightfully dull and end with: "and then I got home."
6) If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.
7) If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.
8) If she buys you a drink, she likes you.
9) In return however, you don’t have to remember her name, just remember what she likes to drink…
10) Some people will worry about their drinking, but look what it does for their social skills!
11) For every drink you have, you're fighting terrorism.
12) Always finish your drinks! Think of all the sober people in the world.
13) Apologising is fine, even to people you don’t remember meeting, for things you don’t remember doing, in places you don’t remember going.
14) A problem drinker is someone who doesn’t buy rounds.
15) That nagging feeling of missing something when leaving the house is owed to forgetting to put your bottle opener in your pocket.
16) Drinking never affects anyone's job. Some people just need a drink to get motivated for work in the first place.
17) Never turn down a free drink.
18) There’s nothing wrong with drinking alone.
19) If your bed looks very much like a park bench and your bedroom looks very much like a park then “staying out last night” literally meant it.
20) The glass isn’t half empty or half full. It just needs topping up.
21) Most people will sadly never experience just how pleasurable work can be when you take your best friend Mr Drink along with you.
22) “Taking the edge off” usually means waking up in the garden.
23) If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.
24) One of the saddest sounds you'll ever hear is ice rattling round an empty glass.
25) At least turning up to court will allow you to find out what happened.
26) Gin Rummy isn’t as fun as it sounds.
27) Always stick around for one more drink. That's when it all happens.
28) Always get up at the crack of ice.
29) Don’t take hot showers, the ice in your glass melts too quickly.
30) Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.
31) Anyone with three or more drinks in their hands has the right of way.
32) There's a jar in the best pubs, a huge jar containing funny oval shapes in a murky fluid. Be brave, pickled eggs are a rite of manhood.
33) You'll never waste a single penny on champagne, because champagne is never a waste of money.
34) Never EVER trust anyone who doesn’t drink, and never trust anyone who drinks but never gets drunk, they’re the ones with something to hide.
35) When on a night out be careful who you talk to, I once woke up with a new job.
36) Invent a kids’ TV program drinking game – the extra time you spend with them will go down a treat.
37) Learning other languages is important, concentrate on useful phrases such as: “Excuse me sir/madam which way to the nearest pub?” and “Good morning… err… lovely, who are you again?”
38) Get shag carpets fitted in your abode, it’s so much easier to hang on to.
39) Drinks made at home should only come in two sizes: formidable and catastrophic.
40) Sometimes too much just isn't enough.
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